Year: 2016

DIY: Baby Teepee

Published by BleuBird Mama

Maybe my life seems melancholy to my readers, and I don’t actually want my blog content to be so serious. (Hence, I wrote about my two loveable labs a bit ago “Lick, Love, and Learn” 😉 My life is not dull, in spite of my deeper thoughts, and I only need a mini farm to keep it lively around here.  I’m up at the crack of dawn just about every day for the gardening, chickens, and other animals. Shortly after I’m up so is the tiny two-legged one 😉 There’s lots of action here to be had. And I go to bed utterly exhausted.  However, last night I really wanted to finally complete this side project I’ve been working on. I’m not sure why I say “side” project because, the truth is, I am always making something. I see a picture or a design or hear something or think up something and I say to me, myself, and I, “We could make that ourselves!” Yes, it’s very silly. As if I didn’t already have so …

Darker :: Days

Published by BleuBird Mama

When I lay [my] questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of No answer. It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but in waving the question. Like, “Peace, child; you don’t understand.” -C.S. Lewis I recently experienced a very heavy darkness that lasted about a month- through E’s first birthday. While Little Hiccup transitions into being a year old, with all the successes and failures of it, I am broken hearted, my soul is downcast within me- that I never got to watch my daughter Heidi grow through those changes.  Not only have I wept, I have also been angry. “Fuck. No one else will have their baby taken from them in the middle of the night. No one else but me. I’m alone. No one knows the depths of my pain.” I have shouted that through the darkness of my soul. If I’m honest with myself, I’m railing at God.  Why? …

a Fair Story

Published by BleuBird Mama

This time last year we were reeling from Everley’s sudden birth, still grappling with Heidi’s sudden passing just seven months prior, knocking holes in our bedroom walls to make room for a bassinet, and grasping for breath in the midst of crises and change and chaos.  My body felt like it’d been hit by a Mack truck after the caesarean and  I was still being wheeled to the NICU two weeks postpartum.    So we decided to go to the Fair. “What?” Yes. It sounds dramatic because it was kind of dramatic.  But we were desperate to do something normal, to spend time just the two of us, to let our worries go, to relax and blend into a crowd. We’d had tickets to a country concert at the county fair. We got the green light from nurses and doctors who were overseeing Everley, and though some said I’d never make it up the grand stand because I was still too weak, I not only made it…. I climbed (hobbled actually) to the very top.  …

Dogs: Lick, Love & Learn

Published by BleuBird Mama

For those of you who know me well, BleuBird Mama loves her dogs! The funny thing is that I didn’t grow up with dogs, not even a house cat, and the little goldfish lived about two days. I had no experience with animals until I was in college. I liked other people’s pets, but I didn’t know how to interact with them well. I also didn’t understand the context of a species and their particular behaviors. I always knew- even when I was a kid- that I’d marry an animal lover. My husband told me he wouldn’t have married me if I didn’t love animals. He grew up with Labradors and outdoor cats in the mountainside of a pacific coastal town, so he was all outdoorsy and acclimated in ways this wimpy suburban girl was not.  When we got married we inherited Ian’s old black lab Luke Skywalker, also known as Pookie or Lucus Maximus and Pook-pook-pookie-the-pooper. He was a wonderful dog. Loyal as the day is long. Simple minded. Obedient. Affectionate. Quiet. Sweet. Of …

Pattern of :: a Weathered Life

Published by BleuBird Mama

Fussy, teething, desperate-to-nap babies don’t do so well at church. While she rests and restores with morning slumber, I rest and restore in quiet reflection.  As I read the scriptures, snuggled up in my blue painted couch, I’m reminded of the storm that blew through our fields yesterday… And the correlation to the storms that have blown through our life in the past four years… Manly and I will celebrate four hard-earned years this October. By our third anniversary we’d been separated for a total of ten months, conceived two daughters, burying one a healthy child and watching the other hang by a thread in the hospital. We hardly knew each other though we’d lived a thousand lifetimes together.  We had a choice: to either weather the storms together or run to our own shelters. There have been times when we’ve done one instead of the other. There are periods when the storm is too intense for an individual soul and it’s, therefore, best to retreat alone. But we’ve always had a heart -even in …

Discouraged :: Encouraged

Published by BleuBird Mama

Who doesn’t love a good book and a good yoga routine? Well, I’m sure there are some of you who  don’t love those particular things and would rather do other things to start off your day, so if that’s the case comment below and share what you like to do with your morning! Last night I determined to set my alarm for 6am. It’s unusual and envious, I realize, but my near-one-year-old goes to bed early at night and wakes up late in the morning, so that affords me a little alone time that’s not just for cleaning and sleeping myself. I actually hate getting up early; I just don’t know how to start my day with energy; I’m a deep sleeper and I’m super groggy when I first wake up. But this morning, even though I didn’t sleep particularly well last night due to anxiety, I got up 45 minutes after my alarm (that’s a good record, seriously), fixed up a 4 ounce cup of coffee (that’s all this irregularly beating heart can handle), …

Heart Ache :: Take Heart

Published by BleuBird Mama

Weeks have gone by without writing, because I’ve been savoring this sweet summer with my nearly one-year-old daughter. Though I live the typical cloistered motherhood life for now, I choose not to disconnected from the newsfeed of the world. Something I remember registering when Heidi passed so suddenly was that I was not the only one suffering, in tremendous pain, unspeakably devastated, questioning God. It felt like the world around me was silent, content, and peaceful, but even though I “felt” that way didn’t mean it was true. The truth is I met and continue to meet people who are suffering serious hardships. The truth is – the world is always suffering, because it’s tainted by evil. This Sunday morning, a breezy July day, my husband and I woke up late and after much discussion resigned ourselves to staying home for personal, rather than corporate, worship. We played some uplifting music and then sat on our porch to watch an online sermon. The moment seemed so tranquil but the message was not about tranquility. Rather …

Together: In the Storm

Published by BleuBird Mama

Many of you, my friends, are petitioning God for relief at this juncture in your life. Maybe you’ve lost another child, maybe you’re in the hospital with a serious illness, maybe you’re alone and lonely, maybe you doubt your marriage will be restored, maybe you don’t know how to escape from your abuser. My friend, I am praying for you today. Fervently, continually, faithfully, passionately. I have been to very dark places in my journey with Jesus. Have you heard of the book Hind’s Feet in High Places? I love that little book. I read it as a teenager and cried my way through the allegory. Much-Afraid’s journey is much like my own… When I wonder about life, when I am tempted to despair, when I question God’s choices, when I feel overwhelmed- I envision myself walking on the beach with God. By His side, watching His pierced feet press into the sand, reaching out to hold His hand as He reaches for mine, sensing His understanding as I walk with my head down and …

WWIII: Finding Freedom

Published by BleuBird Mama

I broke down crying. “I just feel like I can never get this thing right.” A few weeks later… I broke down crying. “This is absolutely one of the stupidest things humans do.” A month later… I broke down crying. “So that means this isn’t going to end well….” What was making me sob my heart out, you might be wondering? Let’s face it. That picture is awfully sweet, and those people look like they’re really into each other, but what happened after the vows is a different story… Marriage IS one of the stupidest things a person can do with his or her life. It’s one of the most painful commitments, one of the most heart wrenching experiences, one of the least glamorous jobs, one of the most tediously vulnerable places to be… Marriage is self-sacrifice. And it hurts like hell. White satin, masculine plaid, fragrant roses, and sparkle of diamond don’t show the twisting, tearing, churning, ripping, exploding, decaying of two sinners who said, “I do.” The pain of WWIII is too raw …

Favorites: Nine Months

Published by BleuBird Mama

Just three more months till my second baby girl turns one year old!!! How can this be happening!? It is so hard to believe how much she’s changed from nine weeks early to nine months old… My how time flies! I never knew such multiplied joy could be wrapped up in one tiny Little Person. EveyMarie, you rock my world to overflowing every day. For those of you, readers, who love all things baby, here’s a list of five things/tidbits I’ve been enjoying with Everley during this fun stage (click on titles for more info). Below those is a collage of some recent exclusive pictures with her favorites 🙂 <3 Stokke Tripp Trapp: She’s graduated to the high chair! Not only does she sit up comfortably in the seat, but she’s also right up at the table, and I love that about this kiddie contraption. It’s low profile, suiting our tiny dining room, and has comfortable over the shoulder straps that grow with the child. That being said, this chair converts over time to suit the …