Year: 2015

New :: Year

Maybe I’m like you, or you’re like me, or however it goes. Maybe you and I both get oober excited about the new things and New Year’s Resolutions! True confessions: every year I make a list of projects I want to accomplish, places I want to go, events I want to plan, and I always get a planner book so that I stay on track and stick to the calendar. You see, I love to have fun, all-year-long, so sometimes I get just a little carried away with having fun. If I keep a ledger for myself then I’ll remember that in the Spring I need to clean the house and not travel every weekend, or I’ll remember that I have to save money for my beach trip and not spend that money on a new seasonal wardrobe. The calendar keeps me structured and focused. Otherwise, I might end up on a cruise to the Bahamas in February on a whim ;P As Baby E gets older and a set routine suits her better, I …

Christmas: My Miracle

We all look for some little miracle during the Christmas season. Even if it’s the miracle of our spouse remembering what we really wanted under the tree, or just remembering again the miracle of Jesus’s birth in a stable manger. We want to see a miracle. It’s the season for miracles. Well, would you like to hear about my Christmas miracle this year? It’s quite a story of brokenness and redemption. The gift of miracles when it seemed all hope was lost. As I’ve reminisced and revisited memories of this past year in two letters written to two different women who have also tragically lost, I’ve shared my heart about the events of 2015 and how we ended up surviving & arriving at Christmas this year. In these excerpts you’ll see the miracle of this Christmas….   A few days or weeks, time was a blur, after Heidi’s sudden death I was able to visualize the whole event in my mind. For a while I blocked it, which is a common response to trauma. I …

Giving: Gifts for the Grieving

My love language is certainly gift giving; I find much joy in receiving a simple well intentioned gift from a loved one, and I thrill in thinking up what sorts of gifts to give someone for any occasion. Naturally, it meant a great deal to receive meaningful gifts our first Christmas without our daughter Heidi. Since she was born in November and we had anticipated sharing those nostalgic winter holidays with her, we barely made it through the season. But many friends, and others we don’t even know, reached out to us with presents for our pain. We’ve decided to use Heidi’s stocking to fill each Christmas with gifts for those we know are suffering. Since we’re in the midst of the twelve days of Christmas, here’s a list of twelve gift ideas for the grieving: I received a crocheted purple prayer shawl, which I loved curling up with while reading and contemplating on those dark somber winter days. Obviously I love to read and a childhood friend saw that I was pinning many books …

Gratitude: Moment by Moment

Holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas and Independence Day are my favorites. Any excuse to have a party, I always say. This is why I love Pinterest! Tons of  ideas for decorations and festive creations. Like that cover photo I snagged from my board Festive | Holiday : perfect little place setting for a farm house Thanksgiving dinner! But I didn’t even pull off small bits of holiday style this year. My hands are so full with my new bundle of joy and my brain is so sleep deprived that late night pinning does not transform into tomorrow’s crafty project. Alas, most of my holiday inspirations are unachievable this year and I will have to settle for instant mashed potatoes, one partially dead pumpkin on the front porch, and our plain old unfestive farm house. Don’t get me wrong. Even though I’m not capable of being Pioneer Woman this year, I am still enjoying this holiday season. Last year my husband and I barely survived the holiday season. Heidibird, our firstborn, passed away unexpectedly, so we didn’t want to …

Sunset: Intuitive Art

This evening we were cruising along the country hill roads to a friend’s house for dinner, and I sat in the back with Everley since we didn’t bring her apnea monitor (for longer drives we feel safer keeping her hooked up if she’s slumped or sleeping in the carseat). As the sun was setting behind those blue hued mountains, the low clouds had that slight mauve, lavender gray shade, which always makes me think of my Heidi girl. Her nursery was a woodsy lavender theme (see here: Sneak Peek: Nursery Picks). While staring at the clouds, thinking of Heidi and how much I miss her, I felt a tightening grip on my finger; my girl Everley had taken hold of my finger and would not let go. I suddenly had a flashback to holding Heidi in my arms and feeling her firm grasp of my shirt while nursing, and then I remembered a powerful moment after she was gone of staring at those same mountains with those same clouds and hearing in my mind as if …

Why: Trust & Pray

Today I was hit yet again with the frailty of life. My husband subscribes to AR15, which is an online community of family oriented conservative firearm fanatics, and last year when Heidi passed he shared publicly his story of trying to revive her in the middle of the night and failing to bring her back even as a career paramedic. He stated in the post that he would still trust that God was in the midst of our dark sorrow and that God would remain faithful. Manly’s story was viewed over 10,000 times and he received more than 600 condolences from AR15 users. It was astounding. One man responded with just a picture, and this picture is worth more than 1,000 words: A year later, this same month when Heidi passed, another AR15 user posted that his fifteen month old son had suddenly died in his sleep days before. He wrote that the child seemed unwell though it wasn’t anything serious; their little boy was found lying face down not breathing in his crib and …

Trust: Amidst the Unknown

October 19th, 2014 I wrote a letter to my husband about the anticipated arrival of our treasured firstborn daughter. She was born a few days later on November first. August 14th, 2015 I wrote a letter to God about the anticipated arrival of our second precious daughter. She was born a few days later August twenty-first. Recording ideas and feelings can be a simple process of putting pen to paper. But the process was more than that when I wrote what I wrote. In retrospect I believe it was inspired by the Holy Spirit. It’s as if the paper has now come to life loudly proclaiming that my wishes and my prayers were heard, yes, and specifically, profoundly answered in my times of need….   A portion of the letter I wrote to my husband before Heidi Lee’s birth: “We don’t know when she’ll arrive. She is due November fifteenth, but she may come any time between now and early December. May her debut be as soft and glowy and subtle as these late fall …

Birthday: Cupcake Recipe

Cupcakes for a child’s first birthday? Yes, please! But for a child who is not at her birthday party and is already in Heaven? …Why celebrate at all much less make cupcakes? My husband and I feel it appropriate to both mourn that our daughter has been gone from us for one year while at the same time celebrate that she has been in Heaven for one year. We didn’t have a big birthday party for Heidi with cake and candles and streamers and toys. But we did acknowledge in our own way that it was her birthday and a very special day for us; we remembered her amazing birth and her precious earthly life and her presence in our family. I very much enjoy baking, which I’m sure you will see several posts about on the blog (see past posts Loot: Savory Savings & Breakfast: Peaches & Almonds). Baking is one of my creative outlets, and I felt I needed do something creative in memory of Heidi since I couldn’t plan a big fun girl party for …

Balloons: Up to Heaven

This time last year we attended our daughter’s memorial service. Exactly one week after I had given birth to her, a glorious event, we were celebrating her glorious homegoing. It was too poignant for words. A day I will never forget and full of bittersweetness. Ian and I felt then that the ceremony gave us some closure. The memorial service was so well executed – the 90s Christian music playlist I had organized for the prelude, the lavender ribbons and bows like her nursery that adorned the sanctuary, the numerous pictures of her precious face in the church foyer, the heartfelt messages Ian and I shared with the congregation, the powerful pastoral teaching from the scriptures about Hope and grieving well, the prayers and poems and lullabies shared by family members, the hugs and kind words of so many dear people – we felt uplifted and at peace beyond understanding. But that warm feeling blew away as the chilly winter winds swept in. By late November we were struggling to just get out of bed …

Acceptance: Past & Present

I’ve accepted that my firstborn is gone from this life. Came for a time and left when she was called. Acceptance yields surrender but not peace. Acceptance is part of grieving well but it does not heal the wound. I’ve accepted that my second born daughter is a gift and a balm. She’s here for a different purpose and she, too, is precious in the sight of God. Acceptance is part of living on but it does not leave the past behind.   Heidi’s birthday, the first of November, we’d planned a special family celebration in memory of her. The day arrived and we had no energy to spare for such an occasion. We slept in late, ate very little, said very little, and took a walk in the orchard. You will find that is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. – author unknown In all things it is better to hope than to despair. – Von Goethe In these bodies we will live; in these bodies we …