Author: BleuBird Mama

Darkness :: Light

After Heidi died suddenly at four days old, her little sister Everley was born nine months later at nine weeks early and lived in the NICU for six weeks. In less than a year, my heart was shattered by death and the pieces that were left got beat up and bruised from the near death of my second daughter. I was a bloody mess and deeply broken. I was not able to see the light of day…. Moments like this one I stumbled upon today show me that God has brought us to a soft and gentle place. A place where there is light. And my heart is healing in small but sure ways. God is not afraid of the darkness. After all, that’s how he began his own story- “The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. …And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light. And God saw that the light was good. And God separated the light from the darkness.” Genesis 1:2-4

Friendship: Floating Along

Kate Bowler, a Christian professor who struggled with infertility for years, finally had a baby boy and was then suddenly diagnosed with stage IV cancer. She wrote a book titled “Everything Happens For a Reason – And Other Lies I’ve Loved.” In her book, she recounted this conversation from when she was very ill and lying in her hospital bed, and it struck a chord with me: “It’s like we’re all floating on the ocean, holding on to our own inner tubes. We’re all floating around, but people don’t seem to know that we’re all sinking. Some are sinking faster than others, but we’re all sinking!” I keep having the same unkind thought- I am preparing for death and everyone else is on Instagram. I know that’s not fair -that life is hard for everyone- but I sometimes feel like I’m the only one in the world who is dying. “We’re all sinking, slowly, but one day, while everyone watches, I will run out of air. I am going to go under.” […] People talk …

With :: Me

My nearly four year old daughter asked me, before I left her with all the fuzzy animals and one dim night-light, to ask God to be with her. “Of course, I will ask God to be with you. He is always with you. No matter what happens.” What truth are we teaching our children? That God loves them? That God wants them? That God will always be near? What truths are we sharing with them that will sustain them when life falls apart? Because, contrary to popular middle class American standards, shit will hit the fan at one point or another. After I tuck the children in bed, I stand in the stairwell of our cape-cod -the little landing at the top of the steps between the two small bedrooms- and I lift my palms and pray in silently sincerity: May the Lord bless you and keep you. May he make his face shine upon you and give you peace. (Numbers 6:24-26) My constant prayer is for mercy & peace to be evident in their …

Be: A Steward

Tragedies all around. Walmart shooting. A friend with potential brain cancer & three little children at home. A friend with pregnancy complications. Another friend who had a difficult late miscarriage like mine. Tragedies make us think. Since we can’t Turn Back Time and since we can’t Mess Up the Sovereignty of God, what CAN we do? There’s a gray area to life that I call Being a Good Steward. Life can’t be perfect or controlled there. Fear can’t dominate there. It’s just a place where there is faith, trust, information, and reasonable choices. We can’t change what has happened and we certainly can’t dictate or influence the plans of an Omnipotent God, but we can work with what we’ve been given. Till the earth. Watch the weather. Plant the seeds. Manage the weeds. Tend the growth. Prepare for winter.

Day 5: Own It

Counseling has been one of those things for us. We really really need it. When we were dating we met with a couple who’s 15 years older than we are to talk about relationship stuff- who’s in this triangle? how’s the triangle working? are we making this work for you, me and God, or just one angle of this triangle? You know, good thoughtful stuff like that. Then we met with our church’s teaching elder and his wife to discuss deeper and broader concepts concerning the institution of marriage in the weeks and months leading up to our wedding vows. Then we got married. And it all went out the window.  You’d think we were well prepared and had our act together and matured steadily and easily. But we haven’t. That hasn’t been our story. We’ve WORKED -our asses off- to get good at this marriage thing. We’ve fought and cried and apologized and forgiven and prayed and replayed it and redone it and reworked it.  Professional counseling would’ve helped a lot when we first …

Day 4: Millennial Growth

On the heels of my little humorous Millennial post last night, I’ll share something I’m 21st century passionate about for marriage.  We live in the Age of Information. We have nearly every resource possible at our literal finger tips. YouTube is not of the devil; Facebook is not fake relationships; Instagram is not a facade. The 21st century is really just like every century before us- new inventions, new creations, new opportunities. We can use those resources for good or for evil, but may most of us use it ALL for growth and maturity and truth.  My husband and I make use of podcasts about scripture study and family lifestyle, we make use of YouTube when we can’t attend our regular church service, we make use of Facebook to share our story and connect with people in our community, we use Instagram to journal our family memories. We use the politheria of Social Media to our advantage.  There are plenty of people who allow these resources to unhealthily integrate into their lifestyle. If you are …

Day 2: Suffering Spouse

I remember the stomach ache I had the morning I attended the elite military special operations class graduation that July morning. I became more nauseas as I listened to the Master of Ceremonies gloat and bellow about the absurd pride of this military unit. It was disgusting to me how much weight and glory was put into human striving and human achievement. I didn’t want to see my young husband become part of something that would puff him and make him feel like he had finally achieved the gold standard. I wanted a humble, present, compassionate husband. Instead, I felt that after six months of training and eight months of marriage that I had been given an arrogant pompus-ass for a husband. I never thought I’d see what it was like for my husband to endure rigorous, mind-numbing, grueling militant training that forced him to suffer and willingly suffer and find a way to survive. That was all of six months and then POW training as well. But I witnessed it the day my husband …

Day 1: to Manly

My dearest Manly, I’m starting something new today- for the next 27 days of this October, until our six year anniversary on the 27th, I’ll be writing a tid bit a day about us. About being us. About finding us. About looking forward to us. We often say that we’ve been to hell and back with someone we really didn’t know, haven’t we? We’ve often said that most marriages don’t survive the hell we’ve been through, don’t we? We often say that we don’t know how we’ve been staying in it and going through it like we have, haven’t we? Somehow through all this shit of spending months apart as newlyweds, of having bad habits and poor attitudes, of arguing with each other and being hurt by each other, of getting pregnant when we didn’t want to be, of waking up to our daughter being gone, of tragically trying to save her life, of going home void and lifeless without our daughter, of conceiving and trying to save our second daughter, of buying and fixing …

Shore :: Eternity

I shared all the nice moments on Instagram. And I locked up all the not-nice moments in my head. That’s just how we do it, isn’t it? We share about the delicious cannoli and we don’t share about the argument we had trying to find the delectable pastry shop. It’s not a Millennial thing we do. It’s a human nature thing we do. I had great expectations for our vacation this summer- I brought my health magazines to finally read, I packed some of my favorite outfit items, I brought healthy snacks for the family, I looked forward to quality time with my husband. Ha. I have a two year old and a ten month old. My expectations weren’t necessarily high and lofty. They just had to be flexible and shift with the tide.  One of my absolute favorite things in the world is the ocean. I love the sound of it, I love being in it, I love being near it, I just love the sea. When I’m driving to the coast, it is …

Why: My Midwife

I think there are a lot of preconceived misconceptions out there about midwives and their style of medical care. In my experience, a midwife is like the mother mentor you’ve always wanted. Or more specifically, in my case, I’ve had that in other relationships and it’s had a huge impact on my life. I knew, I just knew, when I was younger that I’d only work with midwives and that I’d have home births. I had a beautiful relationship with the midwife who birthed my daughter Heidi. We both lived in a small town, much like Mayberry, and I walked to all my appointments. She had a lovely little cottage on her property where I even had my ultrasounds. She laid the foundation for me to understand how my body worked and why and how to confidently do birth. Due to insurance, I had to switch to a different midwifery practice that utilizes a Certified Nurse Midwife for home births, and that’s how I discovered Kelly at Blue Ridge Home Birth. I briefly explained my …