All posts tagged: God

Together: In the Storm

Published by BleuBird Mama

Many of you, my friends, are petitioning God for relief at this juncture in your life. Maybe you’ve lost another child, maybe you’re in the hospital with a serious illness, maybe you’re alone and lonely, maybe you doubt your marriage will be restored, maybe you don’t know how to escape from your abuser. My friend, I am praying for you today. Fervently, continually, faithfully, passionately. I have been to very dark places in my journey with Jesus. Have you heard of the book Hind’s Feet in High Places? I love that little book. I read it as a teenager and cried my way through the allegory. Much-Afraid’s journey is much like my own… When I wonder about life, when I am tempted to despair, when I question God’s choices, when I feel overwhelmed- I envision myself walking on the beach with God. By His side, watching His pierced feet press into the sand, reaching out to hold His hand as He reaches for mine, sensing His understanding as I walk with my head down and …

WWIII: Finding Freedom

Published by BleuBird Mama

I broke down crying. “I just feel like I can never get this thing right.” A few weeks later… I broke down crying. “This is absolutely one of the stupidest things humans do.” A month later… I broke down crying. “So that means this isn’t going to end well….” What was making me sob my heart out, you might be wondering? Let’s face it. That picture is awfully sweet, and those people look like they’re really into each other, but what happened after the vows is a different story… Marriage IS one of the stupidest things a person can do with his or her life. It’s one of the most painful commitments, one of the most heart wrenching experiences, one of the least glamorous jobs, one of the most tediously vulnerable places to be… Marriage is self-sacrifice. And it hurts like hell. White satin, masculine plaid, fragrant roses, and sparkle of diamond don’t show the twisting, tearing, churning, ripping, exploding, decaying of two sinners who said, “I do.” The pain of WWIII is too raw …

Through the Window :: a Light

Published by BleuBird Mama

At the window I stand, staring through a dusky pane out at the clouded horizon. The weight of gathering shadows overhead are like the weight of growing doubt in my heart. There is a dim sliver of light at the far edge of the horizon. When I am alone and lonely, I wonder if I should let my gaze fall heavy into the clouds or if I should strain my gaze into the small beam of light. And then I read, “The Lord also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in time of trouble; and those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.” At the window I stand, watching the dim sliver of light as it grows brighter. The weight of the clouds still hang low, but the weight of my heart is lifting. When I am alone and troubled, I realize that the Light has always been there, that it has never dwindled, flickered, shifted, or faded …

Mother: Tears & Wings

Published by BleuBird Mama

Mother’s Day 2015 I screamed out from the depth of my soul and shouted into the wind through rushing tears, “I just want my first daughter back. Please, why can’t I have her? Why is she gone?” My husband stood by speechless, sullen, torn, unable to comfort. Mother’s Day 2016 I kiss the tender tears of my second daughter, hold her to my breast, pray for her through Jesus, and bless the Lord for His mercy toward me. My husband and I drink in her sweet smell and listen to the music of her coos.       I am a wounded woman but I am not a broken woman. I am the mother of two daughters – a precious bluebird flown to Heaven and her little sister with tiny wings.    

a Conversation :: Clay to Potter

Published by BleuBird Mama

I said to the Potter, “Why have you made me this way? Why must I be in pain?” I heard in my spirit, “My power is made perfect in your weakness. My shaping is making you a treasured vessel. I am the Potter, and you are the clay. You are the work of My hands.” I wept bitterly and answered, “But I don’t understand. My heart is broken. I will live with this pain, this crack in my vessel, for the rest of my days.” I remembered in my soul the scriptures, “Draw near to Me and I will draw near to you.” I proclaimed in earnest, “You are the Potter. You are Sovereign. You are Elkanah. You are a covenant keeping God. You are righteous in all Your ways. You are for me and not against me. You will not forsake me… …When I am afraid, I will trust in You.” I knew deep in my being that My Creator replied, “You are mine and I love you.”  

Honesty: Grief & Trauma

Published by BleuBird Mama

You know that old adage- “Honesty is the best policy”? Well, sometimes I wonder if we’re truly honest with ourselves. Are we truly honest enough about our own frustrations, failures, and fears to… change? Change what, you might be wondering…. Three and a half years ago when my husband and I got married, we would never have imagined we’d face the hardships we’ve experienced. Not only do we have opposite personalities, we also come from very different upbringings, and we have very different interests; every newly married couple has to work at understanding each other, but add to our scenario the fact that my husband was gone (military training) more than he was home the first two years of our marriage. We didn’t have time to get to know each other, to invest in one another, to build a life together. The tension was mounting between us, but we had our first unplanned baby on the way. And then she suddenly died a few days after she was born. We were already disconnected – add to that …

The Struggle :: Why Me?

Published by BleuBird Mama

Have you ever wondered, “Why me?” My guess is that most of us have asked that at least once. Questions like this: Why did I get caught in that traffic accident? Why did I have to suffer that injury? Why did I get stuck growing up in that freak house? Why did I have an abuser? Why do I wrestle with these addictions every day? We’re human, right? Every human questions life itself, the reason for being, and the Master Mind behind it all. I mean, we’re only human – we’re frail, tossed about by the winds of change, limited in our understanding, cautious, fearful of the next curve ball. It’s only natural. You wanna know what my big question is? …. Why did it have to be me that held my firstborn daughter in my arms to wake up and find she was dead? Which then begs these other gnawing questions: Why did I have to suffer that trauma of losing her? Why did she have to die? Why do my husband and I …

To: My Firstborn

Published by BleuBird Mama

Dearest Firstborn Child, Hello from down here. I think of you all the time, dearest Heidi Lee. I know you already know that. Somehow it just feels right writing to you. I guess we won’t have those earthly mama-daughter conversations, but I’ll write you earthly letters to keep you in the loop, and then we’ll talk forever in person in that sacred place. You know, your little sister’s life makes me grieve your life all the more. When she cries for me, I remember what it sounded like when you cried; when she rolls over, I realize I never got to see you learn that; when she feels my face while nursing, I remember you clutching my shirt while you nursed; when she sleeps soundly through the night, I remember the horror of waking up to find you not with me; when she smiles, I wonder what your smile would have been. I wonder so many things. You know what else I wonder? I wonder why this is my pain. I wonder why you and …

Our Story: Uprooted to Grounded

Published by BleuBird Mama

Today I’m sharing more of our story. How we got to where we are now and why we savor these moments of rest and grace. Some know our story, but many do not know the extensive crumbling that brought about a forged foundation. This time last year we were desperate to move. To move on, to move away. We’d been living in a quaint tiny town, up on a hill in a blue gingerbread-style house, with our old black lab and our young yellow lab, and we’d been there two years since the day we got married. On snow days I’d walk down the street to visit my friends for hot chocolate, and for my midwifery appointments I’d walk to the other side of town. We lived the Mayberry life and we were happily content there, except that… Our marriage underwent constant upheaval. We married late October 2012, Manly left three months later for military training February 2013, and he didn’t come home for seven months; when he finally came home he was detached and …

Blizzard :: Blogging

Published by BleuBird Mama

You should see the blizzard conditions outside the windows of this old farmhouse. Fields and fields of white! It’s a pretty impressive whiteout right now. Well, maybe you’re like me, cozied up in a nordic knit with a side of bacon and a hot drink. (Don’t add too much rum to it, now? 😉 I have some time to think and to write. Unlike recently. I can’t remember when I last posted something. To be honest – which I assume is what you expect as the reader of a blog – I’ve hit a whole new level of grief. The truth is – which you can’t relate to unless you’ve experienced some level of grief in your life – I’ve been locked up in my own fears and doubts and anger. I’ve been trapped in my fear of the next worst possible scenario, trapped in my doubt that God isn’t compassionate, trapped in my anger that Heidi isn’t here. That’s the gist of it. There’s a whole lot more ugly, but I’m sparing you and …