Dearest Firstborn Child,
Hello from down here. I think of you all the time, dearest Heidi Lee. I know you already know that. Somehow it just feels right writing to you. I guess we won’t have those earthly mama-daughter conversations, but I’ll write you earthly letters to keep you in the loop, and then we’ll talk forever in person in that sacred place.
You know, your little sister’s life makes me grieve your life all the more. When she cries for me, I remember what it sounded like when you cried; when she rolls over, I realize I never got to see you learn that; when she feels my face while nursing, I remember you clutching my shirt while you nursed; when she sleeps soundly through the night, I remember the horror of waking up to find you not with me; when she smiles, I wonder what your smile would have been.
I wonder so many things. You know what else I wonder? I wonder why this is my pain. I wonder why you and I must be apart for now. I wonder how much longer it will be till we’re all together again. I wonder why….
Though my heart feels caught in the vortex of grief, I do reach out and embrace joy. The joy that your short earthly life proclaimed such truth to me and to you dad and to so many others; the joy that you did not suffer while on earth; the joy that you went from my arms to the arms of your Savior; the joy that we will be together again and that eternity is all there is to look forward to, in reality.
Oh Heidi, I remember so many things and I wish so many things. But that doesn’t change a thing. It doesn’t change that you’re not here. And it doesn’t change me missing you so deep down it hurts. You’re part of me, you’re my firstborn daughter, and I’ll always love you for being you.
Till next time when I write again, I’m thinking of you and I’m crying for you…. But I’ll trust our God, nonetheless, and I’ll thank Him for every moment I had with you, my darling Heidi Lee. See you later, precious.