Grief, Motherhood
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Look Out :: Heidi Lee

Heidigirl, I bet you’ll be my best pregnancy and my best birth. I was at my best when I carried you and when I brought you into this world. Do you remember all the things we did and all the moments we shared? Do you remember being born at lightning speed? I want to relive the memories with you, Heidi Lee, so you wanna look at some pictures with me?


Your Daddy and I were SHOCKED- to put it mildly- that we were having a baby. We wanted to keep the announcement on the DL, so we waited till you’d been around for 16 weeks, and then we had these pictures taken on Memorial Day weekend (by the ever talented Abby Vencil & Emma Potter- they both got to meet you when you were born, remember?). Good ol’ Luke- he was getting worn out from a life well lived, but he kept himself going till you came along. And good little Molle…. I’m sure you remember all the crazy loud, ridiculously wacky moments I had with that dog while you were in the womb. She gave me a run for my money! True to form in this picture- “Squirrel!!”


Would you look at those two kids? And I will never fit in those jeans again….


I hardly looked pregnant the entire time I carried you, Heidi. You were so small and tucked away in there! I remember feeling you move from time to time (since my placenta was in front I guess you mostly kicked that instead of me); you were like a ballerina, tumbling and twirling now and then, softly and gently twisting about. I enjoyed carrying you. You seemed to be such a sweet child even from within the womb.


Our friend Erin took these fun pictures of me and you at the beach that summer. I’d never met her before, we quickly became friends, she was sad when you were gone, and then she helped me with your little sister when we brought her home. It’s one of my favorite things to do- go to the beach. You and I sat out there for hours, soaking in the sun, listening to the crashing waves, sinking toes in the sand, running through swirling foam. I think you must’ve enjoyed it, too, bouncing around in your own water cocoon.


And then Pop! You SHOCKED us again with your lickity-split arrival! You came when I least expected you, 15 days before your due date. I remember telling your Daddy I didn’t feel well on Halloween, so we went to bed early that night. I woke around midnight, texted our midwife that I wasn’t able to sleep, kept tossing and turning with mild contractions. Ha! If only I’d realized that you- Heidigirl- you were slick and small and squirming, “Ready, Set… GO!”


I thought I’d take a shower to relax myself and wait out the not-so-close-together-all-over-the-map contractions. Your Daddy couldn’t sleep (can you imagine why!?), so he tried to help by standing on the other side of the shower asking me if I was ok and what he should do. Ha! When I got out of the shower, I felt a sudden, powerful, overwhelming, Hulk-like urge to grab the sink and PUSH with every ounce of my being. You started barreling down, because that was all the encouragement you needed, Baby Girl. You were coming and fast, so your paramedic Daddy got kind of wound up, calling the midwife, yelling in the phone, trying to get all the medical supplies unpacked…. Are you laughing? I can hear you laughing from here. You and God are laughing, aren’t you?


And then… All in the house was quiet again, clean sheets across the bed, sunlight streaming through the windows, dogs curled up by our feet, and you were there… wrapped up in blankets, our arms, and love. Those were some of the most preciously content moments of my life. I cherished seeing your Daddy come alive and fall in love with you. He’d never been so freely joyful, so freely at ease, so freely peaceful as when you were born. You brought our little family together. I was a grateful Mama and he was a sweet Daddy and you were a beautiful Buttercup.


Aren’t those some of the best memories of your short time here on Earth, Heidi Lee? Those days we shared with you were uninterrupted, undisturbed, untarnished days. They were delightful. They were pure. They were priceless.


Sadly, you cannot come back to me here, but I will come to you someday, into the Heavenly realm, and we’ll be reunited in the sight of Christ Jesus our Lord. We’ll be together again, we’ll laugh about all those funny things we did together, and we’ll praise God that there’s more to the story….. A whole lot more is yet to come….

I love you, my Heidigirl.


Signature- BB Mama


In the hands of the potter,

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