I think I’m coming to a new place in knowing God. I was raised in a Christian home and I’ve studied the Bible for myself. But as it is for all of us humans- we question everything and we get tightly wound about the things we can’t explain. I am finding in this time -three years post Heidi’s death, two years post my NICU baby, five months post my third child’s birth- that I am trusting God in a new way…
I’ve trusted God to be who he says he is. Now I trust God to be with me no matter what. I’ve been at the bottom of the barrel. Maybe I haven’t sunk as low as you have; but I know what it feels like to be a victim, to have out-of-control circumstances, to be utterly consumed with fear, to wonder if life is worth living.
Now that I’ve lived more of life- I don’t trust God to give me good things. I know for a fact that he will give me terrible things. And I’ll wrestle with that fact every day until I go Home. I can just trust him with this: 1) to be himself 2) to be with me.
See these little moments in my life? I wouldn’t have thought them possible when I was deep in the bottom of that barrel, deep in the pit of suffering. I am finding -as my husband and I have been climbing out of that dark place- that God has been irresistibly kind to us. He has become irresistible to me. I have fought with him, and railed at him, and sulked with him, and leaned into him, and felt nothing but him. Though my daughter died in my arms, in the middle of the night, with no warning, and I suddenly felt God was nowhere to be found and that I couldn’t live again… God is still irresistible to me. He has shown me again and again in various ways that he is here. Even in the terrible. Even in the good. He is here. He is with me. He is for me.
This crazy man that I’m married to- he’s a great guy (and still puts his feet on the table!) Through our grief, our marriage has taken a beating. My husband has been in and out of depression, he’s been suicidal, he’s questioned every particle of truth. I have fought to keep my head above water during pregnancies and hospital emergencies, and giving birth, and taking care of my family. It has been so incredibly hard. Our marriage has been on shaky ground. Yet God has caused us to bond, to become one entity, to stand strong together, to become best friends. I would never have imagined that such sweetness could come from such loss. We’ve lost ourselves and we’ve been found.
I’d love to hear from YOU and hear your amazing stories of how God has been there for you. Please message me sometime!
Blessings to you 💙
-BBMIn the hands of the potter,