All posts filed under: Family

Honey :: Bunches 

Published by BleuBird Mama

Dearest Little Person, You amaze me. I marvel that you’re here. You and I both made it through your traumatic birth, and those incubator days, and nursing around the clock, and NICU visits, and sleepless nights, and wailing episodes, and crazy Costco runs, and Christmas living-room dance jams, and all the rest of it. We’ve been through a lot already and you’re just 15 months!  You crack me up, too, you know that? You’ll look like your dad with that low scowl as if “caution” is written across your forehead and then the next minute you’ll look like me with a Cheshire grin and a twinkle in your eye. So are you both stubborn and charming? That’s okay if you are…. I’m already trying to understand you and we’re nowhere near the 15 year old eye rolls.  You know what your favorite thing to do is every morning? Or really this applies to any time you wake up and I lift you out of the crib- You love to wave and say “Hi!” to all …

Winter’s War :: Self vs Truth

Published by BleuBird Mama

 Since it’s Halloween and we’re stuck on the plane for several hours, I thought I’d enjoy a bit of dark drama. (The sort of “dark” that I like.)  The Huntsman: Winter’s War. Have you seen it? Chris Hemsworth- SWOON. Valiant and courageous, long haired and chiseled (takes me back to elementary school and my undying crush on Sully from Doctor Quinn Medicine Woman).  Okay. Enough of that. The story of The Huntsman precedes “Happily Ever After;” a tale about what comes before Snow White’s castle of dreams; it’s about love and evil at war. In my opinion, the main plot isn’t about the huntsman. And the story isn’t merely a fairy tale either. It’s symbolic. It’s revealing.  Fairy tales capture my visual senses, taking me into another time and place, revealing to me truths about my own world. The war of love versus evil in this fairy tale centers around the lust for power, the lust for what one does not have, the lust for oneself… Facts of life we relate to in our own …

a Fair Story

Published by BleuBird Mama

This time last year we were reeling from Everley’s sudden birth, still grappling with Heidi’s sudden passing just seven months prior, knocking holes in our bedroom walls to make room for a bassinet, and grasping for breath in the midst of crises and change and chaos.  My body felt like it’d been hit by a Mack truck after the caesarean and  I was still being wheeled to the NICU two weeks postpartum.    So we decided to go to the Fair. “What?” Yes. It sounds dramatic because it was kind of dramatic.  But we were desperate to do something normal, to spend time just the two of us, to let our worries go, to relax and blend into a crowd. We’d had tickets to a country concert at the county fair. We got the green light from nurses and doctors who were overseeing Everley, and though some said I’d never make it up the grand stand because I was still too weak, I not only made it…. I climbed (hobbled actually) to the very top.  …

Pattern of :: a Weathered Life

Published by BleuBird Mama

Fussy, teething, desperate-to-nap babies don’t do so well at church. While she rests and restores with morning slumber, I rest and restore in quiet reflection.  As I read the scriptures, snuggled up in my blue painted couch, I’m reminded of the storm that blew through our fields yesterday… And the correlation to the storms that have blown through our life in the past four years… Manly and I will celebrate four hard-earned years this October. By our third anniversary we’d been separated for a total of ten months, conceived two daughters, burying one a healthy child and watching the other hang by a thread in the hospital. We hardly knew each other though we’d lived a thousand lifetimes together.  We had a choice: to either weather the storms together or run to our own shelters. There have been times when we’ve done one instead of the other. There are periods when the storm is too intense for an individual soul and it’s, therefore, best to retreat alone. But we’ve always had a heart -even in …

WWIII: Finding Freedom

Published by BleuBird Mama

I broke down crying. “I just feel like I can never get this thing right.” A few weeks later… I broke down crying. “This is absolutely one of the stupidest things humans do.” A month later… I broke down crying. “So that means this isn’t going to end well….” What was making me sob my heart out, you might be wondering? Let’s face it. That picture is awfully sweet, and those people look like they’re really into each other, but what happened after the vows is a different story… Marriage IS one of the stupidest things a person can do with his or her life. It’s one of the most painful commitments, one of the most heart wrenching experiences, one of the least glamorous jobs, one of the most tediously vulnerable places to be… Marriage is self-sacrifice. And it hurts like hell. White satin, masculine plaid, fragrant roses, and sparkle of diamond don’t show the twisting, tearing, churning, ripping, exploding, decaying of two sinners who said, “I do.” The pain of WWIII is too raw …

Favorites: Nine Months

Published by BleuBird Mama

Just three more months till my second baby girl turns one year old!!! How can this be happening!? It is so hard to believe how much she’s changed from nine weeks early to nine months old… My how time flies! I never knew such multiplied joy could be wrapped up in one tiny Little Person. EveyMarie, you rock my world to overflowing every day. For those of you, readers, who love all things baby, here’s a list of five things/tidbits I’ve been enjoying with Everley during this fun stage (click on titles for more info). Below those is a collage of some recent exclusive pictures with her favorites 🙂 <3 Stokke Tripp Trapp: She’s graduated to the high chair! Not only does she sit up comfortably in the seat, but she’s also right up at the table, and I love that about this kiddie contraption. It’s low profile, suiting our tiny dining room, and has comfortable over the shoulder straps that grow with the child. That being said, this chair converts over time to suit the …

Look Out :: Heidi Lee

Published by BleuBird Mama

Heidigirl, I bet you’ll be my best pregnancy and my best birth. I was at my best when I carried you and when I brought you into this world. Do you remember all the things we did and all the moments we shared? Do you remember being born at lightning speed? I want to relive the memories with you, Heidi Lee, so you wanna look at some pictures with me? Your Daddy and I were SHOCKED- to put it mildly- that we were having a baby. We wanted to keep the announcement on the DL, so we waited till you’d been around for 16 weeks, and then we had these pictures taken on Memorial Day weekend (by the ever talented Abby Vencil & Emma Potter- they both got to meet you when you were born, remember?). Good ol’ Luke- he was getting worn out from a life well lived, but he kept himself going till you came along. And good little Molle…. I’m sure you remember all the crazy loud, ridiculously wacky moments I had with …

Kiddo :: Diddo

Published by BleuBird Mama

Dear Little Hiccup, I never thought I’d be able to say again “You are my sunshine” after your sister Heidi passed away. I never thought I’d share her clothes, her toys, her quilts, her rocking chair with another baby. I just figured my heart wasn’t big enough and that God wasn’t going to give us another child. I want you to know that even though your Daddy and I miss your big sister a ton, we don’t love you less than we love her and we don’t love you more than we love her. We love you because God gave us you. We love you because you’re you. We love you because you are precious, because you have an eternal soul. You keep your Mama laughing, KiddoDiddo. You give me reason to live. You make me want to try harder. You make me want to keep living. You make me want to be the best I can be. You make me want to love deeper and sweeter. Wherever you go in life, keep doing that, …

Mother: Tears & Wings

Published by BleuBird Mama

Mother’s Day 2015 I screamed out from the depth of my soul and shouted into the wind through rushing tears, “I just want my first daughter back. Please, why can’t I have her? Why is she gone?” My husband stood by speechless, sullen, torn, unable to comfort. Mother’s Day 2016 I kiss the tender tears of my second daughter, hold her to my breast, pray for her through Jesus, and bless the Lord for His mercy toward me. My husband and I drink in her sweet smell and listen to the music of her coos.       I am a wounded woman but I am not a broken woman. I am the mother of two daughters – a precious bluebird flown to Heaven and her little sister with tiny wings.    

Honesty: Grief & Trauma

Published by BleuBird Mama

You know that old adage- “Honesty is the best policy”? Well, sometimes I wonder if we’re truly honest with ourselves. Are we truly honest enough about our own frustrations, failures, and fears to… change? Change what, you might be wondering…. Three and a half years ago when my husband and I got married, we would never have imagined we’d face the hardships we’ve experienced. Not only do we have opposite personalities, we also come from very different upbringings, and we have very different interests; every newly married couple has to work at understanding each other, but add to our scenario the fact that my husband was gone (military training) more than he was home the first two years of our marriage. We didn’t have time to get to know each other, to invest in one another, to build a life together. The tension was mounting between us, but we had our first unplanned baby on the way. And then she suddenly died a few days after she was born. We were already disconnected – add to that …