All posts tagged: Truth

Heart Ache :: Take Heart

Published by BleuBird Mama

Weeks have gone by without writing, because I’ve been savoring this sweet summer with my nearly one-year-old daughter. Though I live the typical cloistered motherhood life for now, I choose not to disconnected from the newsfeed of the world. Something I remember registering when Heidi passed so suddenly was that I was not the only one suffering, in tremendous pain, unspeakably devastated, questioning God. It felt like the world around me was silent, content, and peaceful, but even though I “felt” that way didn’t mean it was true. The truth is I met and continue to meet people who are suffering serious hardships. The truth is – the world is always suffering, because it’s tainted by evil. This Sunday morning, a breezy July day, my husband and I woke up late and after much discussion resigned ourselves to staying home for personal, rather than corporate, worship. We played some uplifting music and then sat on our porch to watch an online sermon. The moment seemed so tranquil but the message was not about tranquility. Rather …

Together: In the Storm

Published by BleuBird Mama

Many of you, my friends, are petitioning God for relief at this juncture in your life. Maybe you’ve lost another child, maybe you’re in the hospital with a serious illness, maybe you’re alone and lonely, maybe you doubt your marriage will be restored, maybe you don’t know how to escape from your abuser. My friend, I am praying for you today. Fervently, continually, faithfully, passionately. I have been to very dark places in my journey with Jesus. Have you heard of the book Hind’s Feet in High Places? I love that little book. I read it as a teenager and cried my way through the allegory. Much-Afraid’s journey is much like my own… When I wonder about life, when I am tempted to despair, when I question God’s choices, when I feel overwhelmed- I envision myself walking on the beach with God. By His side, watching His pierced feet press into the sand, reaching out to hold His hand as He reaches for mine, sensing His understanding as I walk with my head down and …

WWIII: Finding Freedom

Published by BleuBird Mama

I broke down crying. “I just feel like I can never get this thing right.” A few weeks later… I broke down crying. “This is absolutely one of the stupidest things humans do.” A month later… I broke down crying. “So that means this isn’t going to end well….” What was making me sob my heart out, you might be wondering? Let’s face it. That picture is awfully sweet, and those people look like they’re really into each other, but what happened after the vows is a different story… Marriage IS one of the stupidest things a person can do with his or her life. It’s one of the most painful commitments, one of the most heart wrenching experiences, one of the least glamorous jobs, one of the most tediously vulnerable places to be… Marriage is self-sacrifice. And it hurts like hell. White satin, masculine plaid, fragrant roses, and sparkle of diamond don’t show the twisting, tearing, churning, ripping, exploding, decaying of two sinners who said, “I do.” The pain of WWIII is too raw …

Through the Window :: a Light

Published by BleuBird Mama

At the window I stand, staring through a dusky pane out at the clouded horizon. The weight of gathering shadows overhead are like the weight of growing doubt in my heart. There is a dim sliver of light at the far edge of the horizon. When I am alone and lonely, I wonder if I should let my gaze fall heavy into the clouds or if I should strain my gaze into the small beam of light. And then I read, “The Lord also will be a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in time of trouble; and those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek You.” At the window I stand, watching the dim sliver of light as it grows brighter. The weight of the clouds still hang low, but the weight of my heart is lifting. When I am alone and troubled, I realize that the Light has always been there, that it has never dwindled, flickered, shifted, or faded …

a Conversation :: Clay to Potter

Published by BleuBird Mama

I said to the Potter, “Why have you made me this way? Why must I be in pain?” I heard in my spirit, “My power is made perfect in your weakness. My shaping is making you a treasured vessel. I am the Potter, and you are the clay. You are the work of My hands.” I wept bitterly and answered, “But I don’t understand. My heart is broken. I will live with this pain, this crack in my vessel, for the rest of my days.” I remembered in my soul the scriptures, “Draw near to Me and I will draw near to you.” I proclaimed in earnest, “You are the Potter. You are Sovereign. You are Elkanah. You are a covenant keeping God. You are righteous in all Your ways. You are for me and not against me. You will not forsake me… …When I am afraid, I will trust in You.” I knew deep in my being that My Creator replied, “You are mine and I love you.”  

Blizzard :: Blogging

Published by BleuBird Mama

You should see the blizzard conditions outside the windows of this old farmhouse. Fields and fields of white! It’s a pretty impressive whiteout right now. Well, maybe you’re like me, cozied up in a nordic knit with a side of bacon and a hot drink. (Don’t add too much rum to it, now? 😉 I have some time to think and to write. Unlike recently. I can’t remember when I last posted something. To be honest – which I assume is what you expect as the reader of a blog – I’ve hit a whole new level of grief. The truth is – which you can’t relate to unless you’ve experienced some level of grief in your life – I’ve been locked up in my own fears and doubts and anger. I’ve been trapped in my fear of the next worst possible scenario, trapped in my doubt that God isn’t compassionate, trapped in my anger that Heidi isn’t here. That’s the gist of it. There’s a whole lot more ugly, but I’m sparing you and …

Trust: Amidst the Unknown

Published by BleuBird Mama

October 19th, 2014 I wrote a letter to my husband about the anticipated arrival of our treasured firstborn daughter. She was born a few days later on November first. August 14th, 2015 I wrote a letter to God about the anticipated arrival of our second precious daughter. She was born a few days later August twenty-first. Recording ideas and feelings can be a simple process of putting pen to paper. But the process was more than that when I wrote what I wrote. In retrospect I believe it was inspired by the Holy Spirit. It’s as if the paper has now come to life loudly proclaiming that my wishes and my prayers were heard, yes, and specifically, profoundly answered in my times of need….   A portion of the letter I wrote to my husband before Heidi Lee’s birth: “We don’t know when she’ll arrive. She is due November fifteenth, but she may come any time between now and early December. May her debut be as soft and glowy and subtle as these late fall …

Quotations: Relational Rock

Published by BleuBird Mama

the purpose of man is to know God and enjoy him forever. how can we know him? how can we enjoy him unless we know his character? by reading what he wrote about himself through those divinely chosen and inspired to share about their relationship, experiences with him… this is what david shared about his relationship with God: “the Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom i take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. i call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and i am saved from my enemies.” – Psalm 18:2-3 on this dreary february fourth, this devotional reading explains the second verse of the psalm in more poignant detail: “ROCK – a picture of stability and security; FORTRESS – a place of refuge to run for defense and protection; DELIVERER – one who is mighty and powerful enough to rescue you from everything; GOD – everything i will ever need, my all in all; STRENGTH – a …