All posts tagged: reflection

Kiddo :: Diddo

Published by BleuBird Mama

Dear Little Hiccup, I never thought I’d be able to say again “You are my sunshine” after your sister Heidi passed away. I never thought I’d share her clothes, her toys, her quilts, her rocking chair with another baby. I just figured my heart wasn’t big enough and that God wasn’t going to give us another child. I want you to know that even though your Daddy and I miss your big sister a ton, we don’t love you less than we love her and we don’t love you more than we love her. We love you because God gave us you. We love you because you’re you. We love you because you are precious, because you have an eternal soul. You keep your Mama laughing, KiddoDiddo. You give me reason to live. You make me want to try harder. You make me want to keep living. You make me want to be the best I can be. You make me want to love deeper and sweeter. Wherever you go in life, keep doing that, …

The Struggle :: Why Me?

Published by BleuBird Mama

Have you ever wondered, “Why me?” My guess is that most of us have asked that at least once. Questions like this: Why did I get caught in that traffic accident? Why did I have to suffer that injury? Why did I get stuck growing up in that freak house? Why did I have an abuser? Why do I wrestle with these addictions every day? We’re human, right? Every human questions life itself, the reason for being, and the Master Mind behind it all. I mean, we’re only human – we’re frail, tossed about by the winds of change, limited in our understanding, cautious, fearful of the next curve ball. It’s only natural. You wanna know what my big question is? …. Why did it have to be me that held my firstborn daughter in my arms to wake up and find she was dead? Which then begs these other gnawing questions: Why did I have to suffer that trauma of losing her? Why did she have to die? Why do my husband and I …

Blizzard :: Blogging

Published by BleuBird Mama

You should see the blizzard conditions outside the windows of this old farmhouse. Fields and fields of white! It’s a pretty impressive whiteout right now. Well, maybe you’re like me, cozied up in a nordic knit with a side of bacon and a hot drink. (Don’t add too much rum to it, now? 😉 I have some time to think and to write. Unlike recently. I can’t remember when I last posted something. To be honest – which I assume is what you expect as the reader of a blog – I’ve hit a whole new level of grief. The truth is – which you can’t relate to unless you’ve experienced some level of grief in your life – I’ve been locked up in my own fears and doubts and anger. I’ve been trapped in my fear of the next worst possible scenario, trapped in my doubt that God isn’t compassionate, trapped in my anger that Heidi isn’t here. That’s the gist of it. There’s a whole lot more ugly, but I’m sparing you and …

Acceptance: Past & Present

Published by BleuBird Mama

I’ve accepted that my firstborn is gone from this life. Came for a time and left when she was called. Acceptance yields surrender but not peace. Acceptance is part of grieving well but it does not heal the wound. I’ve accepted that my second born daughter is a gift and a balm. She’s here for a different purpose and she, too, is precious in the sight of God. Acceptance is part of living on but it does not leave the past behind.   Heidi’s birthday, the first of November, we’d planned a special family celebration in memory of her. The day arrived and we had no energy to spare for such an occasion. We slept in late, ate very little, said very little, and took a walk in the orchard. You will find that is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. – author unknown In all things it is better to hope than to despair. – Von Goethe In these bodies we will live; in these bodies we …

Clay: Sculpted for Purpose

Published by BleuBird Mama

“I am the clay and He is the Potter” … While in high school, I took local college courses; I was mostly focused on completing the fundamental first year academics before transferring to a small Christian liberal arts college, but I took a couple art classes, because I have always loved art and my brain spins creativity constantly. For some strange reason that I don’t remember, I hesitated to sign up for a sculpture class, but my designer/builder brother practically begged me to take the class, knowing that it would broaden my horizons and teach me skills that I didn’t have; I finally agreed within a couple weeks of the fall semester – a decision which merited me a huge brother hug, some of my most treasured “in-my-head” creative moments, and many life-lessons about the world and myself …  

Value: the human, the woman

Published by BleuBird Mama

While studying the history of humanity – their cultures, social formations, philosophies and their artistic endeavors – in a secular academic environment and Christian liberal arts college, I observed that women are both corrupted and glorified through cultural expressions. Interestingly enough, when sin insidiously spread through the good earth and warped it’s perfectly effervescent qualities, woman became cursed with this stark reality, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing;     in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband,     and he shall rule over you.” This commentary by theologian John MacArthur explains that to mean, “Sin has turned the harmonious system of God-ordained roles into distasteful struggles of self-will. Lifelong companions, husbands and wives, will need God’s help in getting along as a result. The woman’s desire will be to lord it over her husband, but the husband will rule by divine design.” In other words – what we see every day in this 21st century society – is the demoralization of the human soul, the fragile woman. Her natural beauty …

Studio: Quiet Time

Published by BleuBird Mama

Get a puppy and all of a sudden you have to be structured, consistent, and purposeful. I knew I needed a puppy because I wasn’t using my downtime well, even though I planned my days around going to the office. But now I’m forced to utilize my moments of quiet effectively. After getting up in the morning and meeting my puppy’s needs, I come up to my ‘studio,’ my hideout to practice yoga exercises, pray and read the scriptures, journal or blog, read good books, drink my tea. I have a tendency to be whimsical and random in my thinking, so it can be difficult for me to stay on one task and complete it. I use this space for solitude and for projects, and I try to make the most of the downtime that I get. Kind of like having kids. Except I have two furry ones.

Sunday Morning : North Star

Published by BleuBird Mama

  “For I know that my Redeemer lives… And after my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God, whom I shall see for myself, and my eyes shall behold, and not another.” -Book of Job 19:25-27     May the compass of our hearts be pointing due north – as in Job’s heart, as in the magi’s hearts – so as to have true Hope that though this life is mortal, we are immortal through the resurrection of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior; He has made a way for us and we can trust in His righteousness, His complete authenticity. We will be with Him forever in paradise. Thank you, God, for this eternal gift through your Son Jesus. Mary, the mother of Jesus, proclaimed with joy of her miraculous pregnancy: “My soul magnifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior… And His mercy is for those who fear Him from generation to generation… He has helped His servant Israel in remembrance of His mercy” -Book of …