Author: BleuBird Mama

To: My Firstborn

Published by BleuBird Mama

Dearest Firstborn Child, Hello from down here. I think of you all the time, dearest Heidi Lee. I know you already know that. Somehow it just feels right writing to you. I guess we won’t have those earthly mama-daughter conversations, but I’ll write you earthly letters to keep you in the loop, and then we’ll talk forever in person in that sacred place. You know, your little sister’s life makes me grieve your life all the more. When she cries for me, I remember what it sounded like when you cried; when she rolls over, I realize I never got to see you learn that; when she feels my face while nursing, I remember you clutching my shirt while you nursed; when she sleeps soundly through the night, I remember the horror of waking up to find you not with me; when she smiles, I wonder what your smile would have been. I wonder so many things. You know what else I wonder? I wonder why this is my pain. I wonder why you and …

Our Story: Uprooted to Grounded

Published by BleuBird Mama

Today I’m sharing more of our story. How we got to where we are now and why we savor these moments of rest and grace. Some know our story, but many do not know the extensive crumbling that brought about a forged foundation. This time last year we were desperate to move. To move on, to move away. We’d been living in a quaint tiny town, up on a hill in a blue gingerbread-style house, with our old black lab and our young yellow lab, and we’d been there two years since the day we got married. On snow days I’d walk down the street to visit my friends for hot chocolate, and for my midwifery appointments I’d walk to the other side of town. We lived the Mayberry life and we were happily content there, except that… Our marriage underwent constant upheaval. We married late October 2012, Manly left three months later for military training February 2013, and he didn’t come home for seven months; when he finally came home he was detached and …

To: Little Person

Published by BleuBird Mama

Dear Sweet Little Person, That’s what I call you most of the time. Little Person. It just seems to suit you. You sure are adorable. I look forward to starting every day with you, to dressing you in fashionable little outfits, to nursing you, laughing with you, dancing with you, getting you up from a nap. You smile all day long, it seems, and even when I’ve been out of sorts about something you’re still happy. What a blessing you have been to your grieving parents. We didn’t know we needed you, but God knew we needed you. I often wonder who you will be and what you will show me about life. I’m almost certain you’ll be a charmer and flirter (much to your father’s chagrin! 😉 ). I have so many ideas of things you could do and things you might love. Will you love playing with dolls like I did? Would you enjoy doing martial arts? What about horse-back riding (we really want you take lessons!)? Will you care for every fuzzy …

Keeping Calm: Coloring On

Published by BleuBird Mama

This morning my dogs and my baby woke me at 6am and neither party had any interest in sleeping past o-dark-thirty. I flopped about on my pillow, trying to ignore the whimper at the door and the gurgling coos from the bassinet. I thought to myself, “If I get up with these hooligans now, how many cups of coffee will I need to survive?” Alas, I knew better than to give into the desire for loads of caffeine, since it makes my mind race and gives me heart palpitations. I opted for waking up on the right side of the bed – determined to start the day fresh and with that good ol’ verse of purpose – “This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it!” I made the bed for starters; for some reason if I take the time to just do that then I gain momentum to keep going. I dressed the Little Person, made myself breakfast, took care of the animals, baked bread, tidied up …

Blizzard :: Blogging

Published by BleuBird Mama

You should see the blizzard conditions outside the windows of this old farmhouse. Fields and fields of white! It’s a pretty impressive whiteout right now. Well, maybe you’re like me, cozied up in a nordic knit with a side of bacon and a hot drink. (Don’t add too much rum to it, now? 😉 I have some time to think and to write. Unlike recently. I can’t remember when I last posted something. To be honest – which I assume is what you expect as the reader of a blog – I’ve hit a whole new level of grief. The truth is – which you can’t relate to unless you’ve experienced some level of grief in your life – I’ve been locked up in my own fears and doubts and anger. I’ve been trapped in my fear of the next worst possible scenario, trapped in my doubt that God isn’t compassionate, trapped in my anger that Heidi isn’t here. That’s the gist of it. There’s a whole lot more ugly, but I’m sparing you and …

Friday: Junk Food

Published by BleuBird Mama

TGIF! So that means: be lazy, don’t sweep, eat junk food, cruise through Costco. FTW! Manly will be tied down for the next week, so we took advantage of this crazy fog and celebrated despite the freeze. For a mother who literally got four hours of sleep the night before, I didn’t feel too shabby today! Little Hiccup sleeps pretty well except for when her apnea monitor alarms constantly for three hours straight. Then nobody sleeps well and we’re all pins and needles! Like last night…. Since Baby E was in the NICU for six weeks after she was born, we requested a home monitor so that we would be aware of a slow heart rate or episodes of apnea. Fortunately, she doesn’t often stop breathing for twenty seconds at a time, but when she has she self recovers without needing physical stimulation. Likewise with the slower heart rate. Well…. Last night her heart dropped below 70 beats per minute multiple times in succession. I fell asleep around 10:30, woke up to her first alarm at 11:00, …

Pottery: First Fruits

Published by BleuBird Mama

Well, I’m still dreaming of a white Christmas, so I thought I’d post some pictures of snow 😉 These are actually pictures of the first fruits of my pottery from winter 2014. After Heidi passed, I needed to work with my hands. I love to work with my hands. I especially needed to work when my hands were empty. Kneading, pulling, pressing, shaping clay became my therapy. It was work I could throw myself into in order to understand myself better, understand my Maker better. …O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are the Potter; we are all the work of your hand. -Isaiah 64:8 For years I’d claimed as a life motto that I was clay in God’s hands, that I was being shaped by Him for a good purpose, that I was vessel of His own design. I’d never needed more to have tangible interaction with that deep spiritual meaning than when my identity as a mother changed in an instant. Instead of feeling abandoned by the Divine …

Tomorrow :: Hope

Published by BleuBird Mama

Here I sit late at night, when I should be in bed, by the native pine that’s now drooping with the weight of homemade, wooden and yarn ornaments of memories from the past four Christmases. In the dim light of the twinkling tree I hear the quiet of the countryside and the chimes from the wind blowing by. And I’m thinking about “2016”, “Happy New Year, ” and “Hope for Tomorrow”…. You may say, “2014 was horrible because your daughter died. But 2015 was beautiful because your second daughter lived.” And then you might wonder, “So aren’t you happy about the future?” It’s difficult to explain, and if you’ve never lost like I have, you just won’t understand. But try to understand, just a little. We who suffer every day the devastating truth that our loved one is gone and is not coming back to us here look on to the future in a very different light. We are hopeful yet burdened, we are grateful yet bitter, we are healing yet wounded, we are blooming …

New :: Year

Published by BleuBird Mama

Maybe I’m like you, or you’re like me, or however it goes. Maybe you and I both get oober excited about the new things and New Year’s Resolutions! True confessions: every year I make a list of projects I want to accomplish, places I want to go, events I want to plan, and I always get a planner book so that I stay on track and stick to the calendar. You see, I love to have fun, all-year-long, so sometimes I get just a little carried away with having fun. If I keep a ledger for myself then I’ll remember that in the Spring I need to clean the house and not travel every weekend, or I’ll remember that I have to save money for my beach trip and not spend that money on a new seasonal wardrobe. The calendar keeps me structured and focused. Otherwise, I might end up on a cruise to the Bahamas in February on a whim ;P As Baby E gets older and a set routine suits her better, I …

Christmas: My Miracle

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We all look for some little miracle during the Christmas season. Even if it’s the miracle of our spouse remembering what we really wanted under the tree, or just remembering again the miracle of Jesus’s birth in a stable manger. We want to see a miracle. It’s the season for miracles. Well, would you like to hear about my Christmas miracle this year? It’s quite a story of brokenness and redemption. The gift of miracles when it seemed all hope was lost. As I’ve reminisced and revisited memories of this past year in two letters written to two different women who have also tragically lost, I’ve shared my heart about the events of 2015 and how we ended up surviving & arriving at Christmas this year. In these excerpts you’ll see the miracle of this Christmas….   A few days or weeks, time was a blur, after Heidi’s sudden death I was able to visualize the whole event in my mind. For a while I blocked it, which is a common response to trauma. I …