All posts tagged: marriage

Free: As a Bird 

Published by BleuBird Mama

Did you get a chance to follow along with us on Instagram during our adventures in Maui? My husband and I took off -leaving kid, kitties, puppies and chickens to fend with grandparents- for a ten day island vacation/anniversary retreat.  We needed it. We needed a break from life. We needed an oasis for our marriage.  Thankfully all participants survived this experience and all, mostly all, have settled back into good ol’ farm life.  Maybe you knew- my husband and I arrived home from our long journey on our daughter Heidi’s birthday. She is two years old and celebrating the beauty of two in Heaven. We had scheduled our trip around her birthday so that we would be home in time for it, in time to do something special in commemoration. But airplane mechanics got the better of our “best laid plans,” so we were delayed a couple days; which meant that our crash landing into reality left us jet lagged, frustrated, and disoriented. We hit the ground painfully hard with a literal nail in …

a Fair Story

Published by BleuBird Mama

This time last year we were reeling from Everley’s sudden birth, still grappling with Heidi’s sudden passing just seven months prior, knocking holes in our bedroom walls to make room for a bassinet, and grasping for breath in the midst of crises and change and chaos.  My body felt like it’d been hit by a Mack truck after the caesarean and  I was still being wheeled to the NICU two weeks postpartum.    So we decided to go to the Fair. “What?” Yes. It sounds dramatic because it was kind of dramatic.  But we were desperate to do something normal, to spend time just the two of us, to let our worries go, to relax and blend into a crowd. We’d had tickets to a country concert at the county fair. We got the green light from nurses and doctors who were overseeing Everley, and though some said I’d never make it up the grand stand because I was still too weak, I not only made it…. I climbed (hobbled actually) to the very top.  …

Pattern of :: a Weathered Life

Published by BleuBird Mama

Fussy, teething, desperate-to-nap babies don’t do so well at church. While she rests and restores with morning slumber, I rest and restore in quiet reflection.  As I read the scriptures, snuggled up in my blue painted couch, I’m reminded of the storm that blew through our fields yesterday… And the correlation to the storms that have blown through our life in the past four years… Manly and I will celebrate four hard-earned years this October. By our third anniversary we’d been separated for a total of ten months, conceived two daughters, burying one a healthy child and watching the other hang by a thread in the hospital. We hardly knew each other though we’d lived a thousand lifetimes together.  We had a choice: to either weather the storms together or run to our own shelters. There have been times when we’ve done one instead of the other. There are periods when the storm is too intense for an individual soul and it’s, therefore, best to retreat alone. But we’ve always had a heart -even in …

WWIII: Finding Freedom

Published by BleuBird Mama

I broke down crying. “I just feel like I can never get this thing right.” A few weeks later… I broke down crying. “This is absolutely one of the stupidest things humans do.” A month later… I broke down crying. “So that means this isn’t going to end well….” What was making me sob my heart out, you might be wondering? Let’s face it. That picture is awfully sweet, and those people look like they’re really into each other, but what happened after the vows is a different story… Marriage IS one of the stupidest things a person can do with his or her life. It’s one of the most painful commitments, one of the most heart wrenching experiences, one of the least glamorous jobs, one of the most tediously vulnerable places to be… Marriage is self-sacrifice. And it hurts like hell. White satin, masculine plaid, fragrant roses, and sparkle of diamond don’t show the twisting, tearing, churning, ripping, exploding, decaying of two sinners who said, “I do.” The pain of WWIII is too raw …

Pooped: Five Tidbits

Published by BleuBird Mama

That’s a catchy title, isn’t it? Ahahahaha! ;P So, painting a couch, hosting 30 family members for Easter, reuniting with friends, maintaining some semblance of routine, traipsing off to San Francisco for a week…… Noooooo, we haven’t been busy a’tall! I’m too tired to poop out of parties, as Lucy would say. But my husband and I have been keeping it real here, despite our crazy schedule, because we just  like to keep each other on our toes ;P Every marriage has a crazy cycle, and we stay on ours for good exercise. Not! In the midst of doing life, I’ve been learning and pondering and discovering and wrestling and learning again….. So here’s a round-up of five topics I’ve been, you know, tossing around…. 1. Baby – Sun up to sun down, and even after so it goes, she is my companion come rain or come shine. And as a result I never get anything else done! Haha. I’ve discovered that bath time is the perfect time to clean the bathroom itself, because otherwise I’m …

Honesty: Grief & Trauma

Published by BleuBird Mama

You know that old adage- “Honesty is the best policy”? Well, sometimes I wonder if we’re truly honest with ourselves. Are we truly honest enough about our own frustrations, failures, and fears to… change? Change what, you might be wondering…. Three and a half years ago when my husband and I got married, we would never have imagined we’d face the hardships we’ve experienced. Not only do we have opposite personalities, we also come from very different upbringings, and we have very different interests; every newly married couple has to work at understanding each other, but add to our scenario the fact that my husband was gone (military training) more than he was home the first two years of our marriage. We didn’t have time to get to know each other, to invest in one another, to build a life together. The tension was mounting between us, but we had our first unplanned baby on the way. And then she suddenly died a few days after she was born. We were already disconnected – add to that …

Christmas: My Miracle

Published by BleuBird Mama

We all look for some little miracle during the Christmas season. Even if it’s the miracle of our spouse remembering what we really wanted under the tree, or just remembering again the miracle of Jesus’s birth in a stable manger. We want to see a miracle. It’s the season for miracles. Well, would you like to hear about my Christmas miracle this year? It’s quite a story of brokenness and redemption. The gift of miracles when it seemed all hope was lost. As I’ve reminisced and revisited memories of this past year in two letters written to two different women who have also tragically lost, I’ve shared my heart about the events of 2015 and how we ended up surviving & arriving at Christmas this year. In these excerpts you’ll see the miracle of this Christmas….   A few days or weeks, time was a blur, after Heidi’s sudden death I was able to visualize the whole event in my mind. For a while I blocked it, which is a common response to trauma. I …