All posts tagged: faith

Knowing :: God

I think I’m coming to a new place in knowing God. I was raised in a Christian home and I’ve studied the Bible for myself. But as it is for all of us humans- we question everything and we get tightly wound about the things we can’t explain. I am finding in this time -three years post Heidi’s death, two years post my NICU baby, five months post my third child’s birth- that I am trusting God in a new way… I’ve trusted God to be who he says he is. Now I trust God to be with me no matter what. I’ve been at the bottom of the barrel. Maybe I haven’t sunk as low as you have; but I know what it feels like to be a victim, to have out-of-control circumstances, to be utterly consumed with fear, to wonder if life is worth living. Now that I’ve lived more of life- I don’t trust God to give me good things. I know for a fact that he will give me terrible things. …

Moments: of Grace

Maybe you’re one of those people who prayed for us in the aftermath of losing Heidi. I remember being shocked that one of my college professors had learned of our tragedy; he wrote me a letter that said, “Don’t let this stop you from having children and loving children. You were meant to be a mom and I believe God will give you more children.” Truly, we had people from all over the world praying over our broken family- a church in Indonesia, believers of Christ in Italy, a church in France, friends in Norway, people I’d never met who knew someone who knew us… the list was long and the prayers were heartfelt. Last night my husband and I were putting this miracle child to bed, and we knelt together beside her to pray like we do every night. But it didn’t feel routine in that moment- it felt miraculous. There we were- holding hands as parents, talking with our two year old, helping her understand who God is, asking for God’s blessings over …

Christmas :: Morning

This certainly is the strangest Christmas morning I’ve ever had. I’m alone on my couch in the pajamas I’ve worn for the past three days, I’m sick with something like the croup, my husband is working, my daughter is having a sleepover with Granddaddy & Grandmother, my baby is asleep in his crib. It’s certainly not the toughest Christmas I’ve ever had. Christmas 2014 that we should’ve had with Heidi, but she was suddenly gone before Thanksgiving, was virtually unbearable and I am amazed every year as we look back that we survived it… I don’t mourn the lack of Heidi’s presence on this day as much as I think I would… I know that she is safe and well and happy, and I have no doubts of seeing her again and being with our Savior for eternity. But I’ll tell you what does get me- watching my other two beautifully innocent children and wondering what their future in this broken world will be… I mourn that more deeply, in a way, than I do …

Picture: of Grief

It’s a darling photo of a darling family. It would seem that simple. But it’s not.  Something I combat as a grieving mother (yes, grief is an ongoing process) is envy or pride or something like that. When I see pictures of other happy people in their happy place….. and know that they’ve never experienced tremendous pain or loss or heartache and that their life really is just about that simple….. I scroll past the picture.  Because when I look at my pictures I see people who came to a place of tender comfort from the trenches of battle. I see faces that smile though they were sullen, sore saddened shoulders that have been raised upright again, arms that envelop two precious lives… and ache for the other precious child. I see people who have suffered and wept and torn their hearts out and bloody beat the ground with woeful words to God. I see people who have a story that’s dug deep & long gnarled roots into the ground of God’s truth in order …

Why :: Write

I had a recent conversation with someone I love & respect, and in this conversation I was being prodded and challenged to consider why I write what I write. I was taken aback that my loved one didn’t understand the backbone of my writings. It was jarring to me and I’ve taken a backseat to think things through. Why DO I blog? What am I trying to convey to readers? What do I care about in my own life? Why do I verbalize the raw parts of my life? So, I’ll share my journal notes to myself about why I blog and then you can comment about what you think of it. How’s that? Discussion is good. Feedback is good. Sometimes I feel like I’m just blogging out into the void, but then some of you write to me privately about your own stories and your own inspirations. That means a lot to me. I think that most of the time I write for therapeutic reasons and as a form of artistic outlet, but I …

Who’s :: There

I’ve been working my way through a Beth Moore Bible study titled Breaking Free. I chose to host a study group in my home this year, because I knew my availability as a stay-at-home mother would be limited; and I also wanted to invite anyone in my community to share & fellowship. Despite having good reasons for it, I was also hesitant & apprehensive. I thought, “Break free? Do I even want to know what this sort of study will entail? I think I just want to stay in my corner of grief & sadness. I don’t think I can ever break free from the fact that my firstborn daughter died in my arms.” So, in case you think I’m a goody-goody Christian girl, think again. I’ll tell you the truth before you read the rest of this post- I haven’t broken free from my pain & suffering. I’ve actually come to accept it and live with it and see God there with me in it. I think sometimes that’s all those of us who …

Vlog: Morning Visit

It was a breezy July day and I had a small window of downtime, so I considered how to answer some of your – you readers & friends – questions about my process with grief. Some have asked big broad questions like, “How did you survive?” Others have asked more pertinent questions like, “What gave you hope when you felt dark inside?” , “What did you believe about God that impacted the way you grieved?”. With coffee in hand I addressed some of these thoughts in a casual candid way- on my porch listening to the wind chimes and the morning birds. This is my invitation to you. If you’ve never wrestled with God about the things you don’t understand, He invites you to do that; if you’ve never read the scriptures about who God is, He’s left the door wide open for you to do that, too. Here’s part of my journey- the things I’ve struggled with, the thoughts I’ve had, the sorrows I’ve felt, the beliefs that’ve laid the foundation, the philosophy of …

VB // BBM Story

Hey there readers, Some of you, I’m sure, have wondered how Bleubird Earthen came about. Well, here’s the story! Straight from me, the BleuBird Mama! If we haven’t met before, enjoy your cup of tea with me, friend 🙂 This is just a ten minute recording of why I started this blog and what I’d like to be sharing with you in my posts. I explain the process of becoming a potter and other topics of my life that I blog about as seen listed on my main content page. If you’d like to view a few pieces I did over the past year of learning the trade you can see those here at “Pottery: First Fruits.” Yesterday I wrote a bit about the struggles of the past three years and why I savor the beauty and grace in the aftermath of deep suffering, so this video post follows up on that previous post, which you can see here “Our Story: Uprooted to Grounded.” By the way, I don’t mention it in the recording, but I do …

To: Little Person

Dear Sweet Little Person, That’s what I call you most of the time. Little Person. It just seems to suit you. You sure are adorable. I look forward to starting every day with you, to dressing you in fashionable little outfits, to nursing you, laughing with you, dancing with you, getting you up from a nap. You smile all day long, it seems, and even when I’ve been out of sorts about something you’re still happy. What a blessing you have been to your grieving parents. We didn’t know we needed you, but God knew we needed you. I often wonder who you will be and what you will show me about life. I’m almost certain you’ll be a charmer and flirter (much to your father’s chagrin! 😉 ). I have so many ideas of things you could do and things you might love. Will you love playing with dolls like I did? Would you enjoy doing martial arts? What about horse-back riding (we really want you take lessons!)? Will you care for every fuzzy …

Pottery: First Fruits

Well, I’m still dreaming of a white Christmas, so I thought I’d post some pictures of snow 😉 These are actually pictures of the first fruits of my pottery from winter 2014. After Heidi passed, I needed to work with my hands. I love to work with my hands. I especially needed to work when my hands were empty. Kneading, pulling, pressing, shaping clay became my therapy. It was work I could throw myself into in order to understand myself better, understand my Maker better. …O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are the Potter; we are all the work of your hand. -Isaiah 64:8 For years I’d claimed as a life motto that I was clay in God’s hands, that I was being shaped by Him for a good purpose, that I was vessel of His own design. I’d never needed more to have tangible interaction with that deep spiritual meaning than when my identity as a mother changed in an instant. Instead of feeling abandoned by the Divine …