All posts tagged: birthday

Heidi: Third Birthday

I remember a friend of mine who’s son passed away of SIDS, as well, twelve years prior told me that some years you let yourself remember and reflect and rejoice in that precious child’s life; and other times you don’t do all those things and that’s okay, too. It was their first child -Jackson was his name- and with their other children they wanted to always celebrate Jackson’s birthday with cake and balloons, the typical party paraphernalia for any age. But she told me that some years there was too much weight, too much grief in the days leading up to Jackson’s new number. She’d remind me, “And that’s okay, you know? Grief is like the ocean tide- it comes and it goes, it’s subtle and it’s overwhelming.”  I wasn’t sure how I’d handle Heidi’s third birthday this year. But I decided that I needed to celebrate her. I made a rainbow cake and added skittles for humor since she was born the day after Halloween; my parents brought balloons and flowers and a card …

Happy Birthday, Sugar

Oh, Sugar. Oh, Honey-Bunches-of-Oats. You’ve been the cream in my coffee all year long. What a delightful year it was.  Your one year birthday celebration was a smash hit with about 60 people here to commemorate your special life and to rejoice in God’s good gifts to this family. All are smitten with you- your infectious smile and almond shaped eyes and thick eyebrows and rosy cheeks and endearing little voice.  At your birthday last year you were just a crawler and the “Nap Queen,” so your jammies say. Truly, you were delightful every day with your amiable disposition, fascination with the world around you, satisfied little laugh, and seemingly perceptive sense of humor.  After your birthday bash, you and I had a quiet month of September at home, attending story hour at the library, baking goodies, making friends. Then we had a whirlwind of October on our trip to Aunti Gina’s in Newport Beach followed by a two week separation for the anniversary HI trip when you stayed home with GaGa & Mongie (as …

Birthday: Cupcake Recipe

Cupcakes for a child’s first birthday? Yes, please! But for a child who is not at her birthday party and is already in Heaven? …Why celebrate at all much less make cupcakes? My husband and I feel it appropriate to both mourn that our daughter has been gone from us for one year while at the same time celebrate that she has been in Heaven for one year. We didn’t have a big birthday party for Heidi with cake and candles and streamers and toys. But we did acknowledge in our own way that it was her birthday and a very special day for us; we remembered her amazing birth and her precious earthly life and her presence in our family. I very much enjoy baking, which I’m sure you will see several posts about on the blog (see past posts Loot: Savory Savings & Breakfast: Peaches & Almonds). Baking is one of my creative outlets, and I felt I needed do something creative in memory of Heidi since I couldn’t plan a big fun girl party for …

Balloons: Up to Heaven

This time last year we attended our daughter’s memorial service. Exactly one week after I had given birth to her, a glorious event, we were celebrating her glorious homegoing. It was too poignant for words. A day I will never forget and full of bittersweetness. Ian and I felt then that the ceremony gave us some closure. The memorial service was so well executed – the 90s Christian music playlist I had organized for the prelude, the lavender ribbons and bows like her nursery that adorned the sanctuary, the numerous pictures of her precious face in the church foyer, the heartfelt messages Ian and I shared with the congregation, the powerful pastoral teaching from the scriptures about Hope and grieving well, the prayers and poems and lullabies shared by family members, the hugs and kind words of so many dear people – we felt uplifted and at peace beyond understanding. But that warm feeling blew away as the chilly winter winds swept in. By late November we were struggling to just get out of bed …

Acceptance: Past & Present

I’ve accepted that my firstborn is gone from this life. Came for a time and left when she was called. Acceptance yields surrender but not peace. Acceptance is part of grieving well but it does not heal the wound. I’ve accepted that my second born daughter is a gift and a balm. She’s here for a different purpose and she, too, is precious in the sight of God. Acceptance is part of living on but it does not leave the past behind.   Heidi’s birthday, the first of November, we’d planned a special family celebration in memory of her. The day arrived and we had no energy to spare for such an occasion. We slept in late, ate very little, said very little, and took a walk in the orchard. You will find that is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. – author unknown In all things it is better to hope than to despair. – Von Goethe In these bodies we will live; in these bodies we …

First Birthday: a Letter

Dear Heidi, This day last year I was nursing you, snuggling you, praying over you, smelling you, kissing you. It’s hard to believe an entire year has passed in between that moment and now. An entire year of not being with you. 361 days without you in my arms. I miss you, Heidi girl. You know what? Your arrival into this world was just so crazy! You totally caught me by surprise, girlfriend. You’d been a bun in the oven for 38 weeks, and I thought we still had some bake time left. But, nope, you up and decided that since mom had too many brownies on Halloween the caffeine would help you out on the descent. And sure enough did you descend! I knew my body was in the process of preparing to bring you into the world, but I didn’t know you’d come flying. Do you remember that? The truth is, we here on Earth don’t remember those kinds of things, but somehow I suspect that you understand or know a lot of …