Motherhood
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from Thin :: to Fat

This is one of those awkward times in life. I look in the mirror and I wonder, “Who’s that??” I’ve always been tall and thin, classic with a bit of flare, fair skinned and peachy, unwilling to be a model or make too much of my looks. But being pregnant with my third in three years has changed my physique so much that I’m like, “Whoa. I look fat. I never ever thought I would look like this.” Some of you are like, “Welcome to the club, sister. It’s called womanhood.”Okay, yes, I agree with you. I find myself pep-talking. “It is a privilege to be pregnant. It’s a privilege to carry this son of ours. It’s okay to go through changes. It’s okay to feel different. Life is full of flux. This is one stage of many fluctuating parts of life. Just roll with it.” (pun intended)

I look at pictures of myself from just nine months ago when my husband and I had the delightful fourth anniversary trip to Hawaii. Where did that girl go? A young mom but still somewhat fit; a young wife in her prime; a 29 year old with confidence and ease of stride. Dude, I am practically waddling nine months later because my hips are so loose and my muscular structure has sacked that much! I never thought I’d do the waddle. Uggg. Oh wait, I’m trying to stay positive….

The other day I was baking some cookies and I was proud of myself for doing so. “I never bake anymore,” I thought. Why is that? I froze over the percolating oven as I realized that I haven’t baked in who-knows-how-long. Since the beginning of the pregnancy? That’s how jacked up I’ve been feeling? That’s how distracted & stressed I’ve been?? I used to always bake- when I was feeling good or feeling down, when I was feeling successful or sad, when I was feeling loved or lonely. I just liked to bake. It was part of life’s routine for me.  

But then eight months ago I found out I was pregnant and I felt the world and my body turn upside down and twist all around in a knot. I’m pregnant??? Again??? How did this happen??? Why does this just keep happening even when we think we know what we’re doing??? I don’t want to be pregnant this Christmas! I don’t want to have a baby this summer! 

The overwhelming sense of life being out of control, unplanned, disorganized, frustrating, and different than the dream. Add to that my husband’s sudden plummeting health into more depression and stress from work, my desire to have a home birth and my husband’s desire to have a hospital birth, the flood of memories from Heidi’s wonderful pregnancy and her sudden death, the flood of memories from Everley’s emotionally detached pregnancy and her suddenly scary birth, the flood of memories from bringing Everley home in fear & anxiety of her heart monitor and all the hurdles of parenting a.g.a.i.n. OVERWHELMING. 

And you remember, right, that I’ve mentioned my multiple infections with this pregnancy- staph, fungus, cysts, allergies, sickness, vomiting. Oh Lord. It has been one thing after another. 

So no baking. And no joy. And lots of fat rolls. Who am I, again? How did I get here? What’s my story? Have I slept in the last 48 hours? Are you sure I should be having another kid, God?

I don’t know how to answer those questions. But I imagine God in his wit being like, “Silly. It’s all been figured out before you even got here. Chill out. Rest a while. Tomorrow will be tomorrow. Today is today. Just.relax.and.breathe.while.you’re.at.it.” He’s like that, right? He’s way more confident than I am šŸ˜‰ He’s a lot more wise than I am, too. 

That’s good. Because when somebody starts lookin in the mirror wondering if they’re a crazy person, it’s nice to know someone who’s lookin on gets it and rolls with it. 

-BBM

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