Grief
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Christmas :: Morning

This certainly is the strangest Christmas morning I’ve ever had. I’m alone on my couch in the pajamas I’ve worn for the past three days, I’m sick with something like the croup, my husband is working, my daughter is having a sleepover with Granddaddy & Grandmother, my baby is asleep in his crib.

It’s certainly not the toughest Christmas I’ve ever had. Christmas 2014 that we should’ve had with Heidi, but she was suddenly gone before Thanksgiving, was virtually unbearable and I am amazed every year as we look back that we survived it…

I don’t mourn the lack of Heidi’s presence on this day as much as I think I would… I know that she is safe and well and happy, and I have no doubts of seeing her again and being with our Savior for eternity. But I’ll tell you what does get me- watching my other two beautifully innocent children and wondering what their future in this broken world will be… I mourn that more deeply, in a way, than I do Heidi going home unexpectedly early. I have a lot of fears that are rooted in the mystery of God’s sovereignty, so I do this whenever I get the chance- I study the Bible and read from authors who’ve walked and lived f.a.i.t.h.

And I somehow- well, through the Holy Spirit- put one foot in front of the other and I rejoice in Immanuel, “God with us,” for all the trials of dwelling in a broken world.

I pray that whoever you are and whatever your circumstances, dear reader, that Light will shine for you 💫

-BBM

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