Grief
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First Birthday: a Letter


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Dear Heidi,

This day last year I was nursing you, snuggling you, praying over you, smelling you, kissing you. It’s hard to believe an entire year has passed in between that moment and now. An entire year of not being with you. 361 days without you in my arms. I miss you, Heidi girl.

You know what? Your arrival into this world was just so crazy! You totally caught me by surprise, girlfriend. You’d been a bun in the oven for 38 weeks, and I thought we still had some bake time left. But, nope, you up and decided that since mom had too many brownies on Halloween the caffeine would help you out on the descent. And sure enough did you descend! I knew my body was in the process of preparing to bring you into the world, but I didn’t know you’d come flying. Do you remember that? The truth is, we here on Earth don’t remember those kinds of things, but somehow I suspect that you understand or know a lot of things from where you are now.

Even though your dad is an amazing paramedic, which you know so well, he was not mentally or emotionally prepared to find me in the bathroom pushing you out after only a couple hours of contractions. Haha! What a sight it must’ve been. Doran, your dear midwife, bounded up the stairs just in time to catch your fall! I remember saying to you in complete disbelief, “Oh, baby girl, I can’t believe you’re here already.”

It was delightfully cozy having you in November. It was crisp and cheery out, warm and welcoming inside. Your dad had brewed a smores stout and a strawberry chocolate stout for me, and we hung out in bed with you, sipping our beer, chowing down on autumn stews, and talking to you for hours. Those were nostalgic fall days. This year feels the same and reminds me so poignantly of sharing those four days with you.

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I really wish you weren’t so far away. I really wish you hadn’t been made for such a short Earthly life. I really wish this story were written differently. But I think you understand better than I do why things are the way they are.

I was thankful then and I am thankful now that your life had a beautiful purpose; your sudden entrance, short stay, and sudden departure have changed our lives; you, just because you were made by God, have given so much glory to the Creator of all things. Your life has been a testimony to us of the sovereignty of God, the grace of God, the love of God. I know you trust Him with all your heart, because you are present with Him and you see His kind and gentle face. That gives me such joy and relief. It doesn’t make it easier for me to be apart from you or to bear this pain of loss; but it does give me hope and strength.

Your little sister is a lot like you. But she’s her own little person, too, just like I’d prayed. She came into this world just as quick as you if not quicker; she’s sweet and sassy at the same time just like you were; she cries just as loud, and she grips just as hard; her hair is even turning an auburn shade like yours, too. I wish you two were able to play and cuddle together; I think you two would be best buds. I’ll have to wait to see that when we’re all in Heaven together.

It’s such a gorgeous blue sky red tree autumn day, and I’m thinking of you like I always do. I’m remembering us being first time parents and you being you. I’m remembering how sweet every moment was with you. I’m sad but I’m grateful.

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Love you forever, Heidibird. Can’t wait to see you again. Till then, we’ll praise Jesus on either side of this veil, and dream of a thousands tomorrows together with our Savior….

xoxo,

Your Mama

 

Signature- BB Mama

3 Comments

  1. Sandy says

    a letter as beautiful as I knew you would write. Heidi came and left a place in our hearts that she will always fill. My prayer for you and Ian is that God’s embrace these days is as warm, peaceful, and calming as you both need.

  2. A beautiful post. My soul is full. Praise be to the Lord the Almighty the King of creation.

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